The Ultimate Top 25 Chuck Norris “The Programmer” Jokes
Filed Under Humor
1. When Chuck Norris throws exceptions, it’s across the room.
2. All arrays Chuck Norris declares are of infinite size, because Chuck Norris knows no bounds.
3. Chuck Norris doesn’t have disk latency because the hard drive knows to hurry the hell up.
4. Chuck Norris writes code that optimizes itself.
5. Chuck Norris can’t test for equality because he has no equal.
6. Chuck Norris doesn’t need garbage collection because he doesn’t call .Dispose(), he calls .DropKick().
7. Chuck Norris’s first program was kill -9.
8. Chuck Norris burst the dot com bubble.
9. All browsers support the hex definitions #chuck and #norris for the colors black and blue.
10. MySpace actually isn’t your space, it’s Chuck’s (he just lets you use it).
11. Chuck Norris can write infinite recursion functions…and have them return.
12. Chuck Norris can solve the Towers of Hanoi in one move.
13. The only pattern Chuck Norris knows is God Object.
14. Chuck Norris finished World of Warcraft.
15. Project managers never ask Chuck Norris for estimations…ever.
16. Chuck Norris doesn’t use web standards as the web will conform to him.
17. “It works on my machine” always holds true for Chuck Norris.
18. Whiteboards are white because Chuck Norris scared them that way.
19. Chuck Norris doesn’t do Burn Down charts, he does Smack Down charts.
20. Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
21. Chuck Norris’s beard can type 140 wpm.
22. Chuck Norris can unit test entire applications with a single assert.
23. Chuck Norris doesn’t bug hunt as that signifies a probability of failure, he goes bug killing.
24. Chuck Norris’s keyboard doesn’t have a Ctrl key because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
25. When Chuck Norris is web surfing websites get the message “Warning: Internet Explorer has deemed this user to be malicious or dangerous. Proceed?”.
Got any more? Comment them below…
A much needed Monday morning laugh ensued.
Thanks Max
Chuck Norris CAN divide by 0.
Chuck Norris’ keyboard has 2 keys: 0 and 1.
LOL brilliant.
My favorite is ”
16. Chuck Norris doesn’t use web standards as the web will conform to him.”
LOL. I didn’t even know there were funny Chuck Norris jokes! How about this:
Reasons hacking is easy for Chuck Norris
1. Chuck Norris can overflow your stack just by looking at it.
2. To Chuck Norris, everything contains a vulnerability.
3. Malicious File Execution. Nuff said.
4. Chuck Norris doesn’t need sudo, he just types “Chuck Norris” before his commands.
5. Two words: Brute Force.
Chuck Norris doesn’t need a debugger, he just stares down the bug until the code confesses.
Chuck Norris can access private methods.
Chuck Norris can instantiate an abstract class.
Chuck Norris does not need to know about class factory pattern. He can instantiate interfaces.
[...] this list from this article and the [...]
[...] El resto en inglés en CodeSqueeze [...]
The class object inherits from Chuck Norris
Very nice jokes :)
Parent is the child of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn’t use strongly-typed languages. He uses strong languages.
LOL! Project managers never ask Chuck Norris for estimations…ever.
On the flip side, who pays attention to estimates anyway!
For Chuck Norris, NP-Hard = O(1).
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of PI.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero
Chuck Norris doesn’t get compiler errors, the language changes itself
to accommodate CN
All Starbucks baristas know Java in fear that one day Chuck Norris walks in and demands it.
Bill Gates thinks he’s Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris actually laughed. Once.
The programs that Chuck Norris writes don’t have version numbers because he only writes them once. If a user reports a bug or has a feature request they don’t live to see the sun set.
Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in floating point numbers because they can’t be typed on his binary keyboard.
Chuck Norris is actually the front man for Apple. He let’s Steve Jobs run the show when he’s on a mission. Chuck Norris is always on a
mission.
Steve Jobs medical condition is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris’ Internet connection is faster upstream than downstream because even data has more incentive to run from him than to him.
Chuck Norris solved the Travelling Salesman problem in O(1) time. Here’s the pseudo-code:
Break salesman into N pieces.
Kick each piece to a different city.
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[...] via [...]
No statement can catch the ChuckNorrisException.
try to imagine why the kernel is in panic
3 option
1 – chuck norris
2 – chuck norris
3 – chuck norris
> When chuck norris point to NULL, Null scares.
> The function Chuck Norris writes can not have arguments
26. When I access a website I know all the people who writes, is writing, and will write in it and I can backtrace all of you.
“[T]here is no single development, in either technology or management technique, which by itself promises even one order-of-magnitude [tenfold] improvement within a decade in productivity, in reliability, in simplicity” …except for Chuck Norris.
Here’s what Chuck Norris didn’t tell you:
Before a website is created, Chuck Norris knows all the people who write, are writing, and will write in it and can backtrace all of them.
Chuck Norris never gets a syntax error.
Instead, The language gets an DoesNotConformToChuck error.
Chuck Norris doesn’t program with a keyboard.
He stares the computer down until it does what he wants.
“Chuck Norris doesn’t pair program.”
Chuck Norris can write multi-threaded applications with a single thread.
Chuck Norris doesn’t need to use AJAX because pages are too afraid to postback anyways.
Chuck Norris doesn’t use reflection, reflection asks politely for his help.
There is no Esc key on Chuck Norris’ keyboard, because no one escapes Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can inherit from sealed/final classes.
Haven’t you heard? Richard Stallman is the new Chuck Norris.
http://www.reddit.com/r/progra.....uck_norris
Chuck Norris doesn’t delete files, he “Blows them away”.
Chuck Norris don’t need paaswords to access your system, he simply types * and system gives him access.
Chuck Norris can binary search unsorted data.
Chuck norris breaks RSA 128-bit encrypted codes in mill-seconds
Chuck Norris doesn’t needs try-catch, exceptions are too afraid to raise.
Chuck Norris went out of an infinite loop
If Chuck Norris writes code with bugs, the bugs fix themselves
Visual SourceSafe actually works for Chuck Norris.
Intellisense doesn’t come from code. Intellisense comes from Chuck Norris’s mind.
Chuck Norris can read all encrypted data, because nothing can hide from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris hosting is 101% uptime guaranteed
LOL @ Hugh… vss… blah
@Kartones What do you mean “the bugs fix themselves”? Chuck Norris doesn’t write bugs. Period.
When a bug sees Chuck Norris, it flees screaming in terror, and then immediately self-destructs to avoid being roundhouse-kicked.
Chuck Norris and “programming”? I think there has been a mix-up here.
What you meant was: “The Ultimate Jon Skeet “The Programmer” Jokes”, because when it comes to programming, Jon is the new Chuck (and he is no joke ;) He is real).
Those Jon Skeet’s facts are here (since late November 2008 actually):
http://stackoverflow.com/quest.....keet-facts
Lol, Awesome:
Rider:
Chuck Norris can inherit from sealed/final classes.
Trevor Power:
Chuck Norris can binary search unsorted data.
anon:
When a bug sees Chuck Norris, it flees screaming in terror, and then immediately self-destructs to avoid being roundhouse-kicked.
and now
@VonC:
Chuck once spat to create Jon Skeet for SO guys
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Jack Bauer doesnt needs to know the last PI digit! If need for national security matters, he will make PI confess which is the last digit and who really is behind it!
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Chuck Norris doesn’t ask the computer to do some tasks, he just force it to do them
Chuck Norris command line:
Chuck Norris>
Error, nothing follows Chuck Norris.
Instead of writing the assigned “Hello World” program in CSc 110, Chuck Norris rewrote the Google search engine from scratch.
“Chuck Norris doesn’t need the cloud to scale his applications, he uses his laptop”
[...] The Ultimate Top 25 Chuck Norris “The Programmer” Jokes – [...]
Chuck Norris can access the DB from the UI
Chuck Norris’s keyboard has the Any key.
Chuck Norris’ programs never exit, they terminate!
Chuck Norris insists on strongly-typed programming languages.
Chuck Norris protocol design method has no status, requests or responses, only commands.
Chuck Norris programs occupy 150% of CPU, even when they are not executing.
Chuck Norris can spawn threads that complete before they are started.
Chuck Norris programs do not accept input.
If Chuck Norris sings karaoke you better not smile
Chuck Norris can install iTunes without installing Quicktime
Chuck Norris doesn’t need an OS.
Chuck Norris’s OSI network model has only one layer- Physical.
Chuck Norris can compile syntax errors.
Chuck Norris does not declare vars. He owns them.
All items in linked lists are linking to Chuck Norris.
Bubble sort, quick sort, bla bla sort.
Chuck Norris does not sort, he sorts things out.
Chuck Norris does not sort. He creates order!
Chuck Norris does not sort. He says what he wants and gets it.
Chuck Norris does not sort. He doesn’t need to. He gives a name, and the searched data steps forward.
Chuck Norris does not execute transactions. He makes’em pay!
Every SQL statement that Chuck Norris codes has an implicit “COMMIT” in its end.
Chuck Norris does not need to type-cast. The Chuck-Norris Compiler (CNC) sees through things. All way down. Always…
Chuck Norris never gets “data-trancated” error. Instead, his run-time environment logs “variable-extended”.
Chuck Norris does not code in cycles, he codes in strikes.
Chuck Norris does need specifications. He has a technical writer to describe what he had done.
Well…
Chuck Norris compresses his files by doing a flying round house kick to the hard drive.
Chuck Norris doesn’t use a computer because a computer does everything slower than Chuck Norris
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Chuck Norris doesn’t need version controlling because all his source files are prohibited to have revision number greater than 1.
Chuck Norris can tag himself in Youtube
Chuck Norris compresses his files by doing a flying round house kick to the hard drive
Chick Norris solved the halting problem.
Chuck Norris doesnt cheat death. he wins fair and square
Chuck Norris once one a game of connect four in 3 moves
With Chuck Norris P = NP. There’s no nondeterminism with Chuck Norris decisions !
The big bang happened when Mr T complained Chuck wasn’t logging his time in Jira.
Chuck only does linear decision trees.
Chuck Noriss put the fun in funral
chuck norris lost his virginity before his dad did
Chuck norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle
Chuck norris can win in a game of rush and rolet with a fully loaded gun
Chuck norris is the reason why waldo is hiding
Chuck norris eats lightning and shits out thunder
if you have $5 and chuck norris has $5, chuck norris has more money than you.
if you have $50 and chuck norris has $50 dollars, chuck norris still has more money than you,
because you don’t have money.you borrow it from chuck norris.
Chuck Norris can retrieve anything from /dev/null.
If you have $5 and Chuck Norris has $5 dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
When Chuck Norris falls into water, chuck doesnt get wet, water gets Chuck Norris.
No one has ever pair-programmed with Chuck Norris and lived to tell about it.
No one has ever spoken during review of Chuck Norris’ code and lived to tell about it.
Chuck Norris doesn’t need Google. Google needs Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can order programs run faster.
Chuck Norris will kill all programs that perform an illegal operation.
Chuck Norris does not sort, he orders.
Chuck Norris doesn’t use GUI, he prefers COMMAND line.
Chuck Norris doesn’t use Oracle, he is the Oracle.
Chuck Norris runs Windows 7 on his etch-a-sketch.
“I’m a PC and Windows 7 was Chuck Norris’ idea!”
Someone once emailed Chuck Norris about a mandatory CMMI meeting. Chuck Norris emailed a blank reply with no subject and one attachment… roundhouse kick to the face.
Chuck Norris can dereference NULL.
under his beard chuck norris dosn’t have a chin he has a third fist
Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through land.
A diff between your code and Chuck Norris’s is infinite.
My Chuck Norris Eclipse plugin made alien contact.
Chuck Norris is the ultimate mutex, all threads fear him.
Chuck Norris uses canvas in IE.
Don’t worry about tests, Chuck Norris’s test cases cover your code too.
Each hair in Chuck Norris’s beard contribute to make the world’s largest DDOS.
Chuck Norris’s log statements are always at the FATAL level.
Chuck Norris’s database has only one table, ‘Kick’, which he DROPs frequently.
Chuck Norris’ css uses the kick-box-model
chuck norris finished world of warcraft lol brilliant XD
Chuk Norris’s PC hard drive can store up to infinity! the message box ” Low disk space” or ” No disk space try again” will not be applicable to Chuk Norrise at any level!!
Chuk Norrise can write SQL statements to retrieve data from NULL points!
ERROR! will NEVER appear when Chuk Norrise is using the PC
Chuk Norrise’s files and documents are saved as .chuk files
Chuk Norrise’s laptop battery will never die without power. the battery wish to die only by Chuk’s Roundhouse kick!!
When Chuck Norris break the build, you can’t fix it, because there is not a single line of code left.
Chuck Norris types with 2 fingers.
He points them at the keyboard and the keyboard does the rest.
Chuck Norris’s programs can pass the Turing Test by staring at the interrogator.
If you try to kill -9 Chuck Norris’s programs, it backfires.
Chuck Norris’s brain waves are suspected to be harmful to cell phones.
Chuck Norris CAN drink and drive.
Chuck Norris does infinit loops in 4 seconds
Contrary to Popular Belif Chuck Norris’ First Program wasn’t nicknamed “HelloWorld” it was “GoodbyeWorld” because it was too simple!
Chuck Norris writes progrom with self destructor bug, if it happens to raise, it will destroy itself.
when chuck norris is on the tv you dont watch chuck norris chuck norris watches you !!!
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Chuck Norris can make void functions return a value
Chuck norris can use VB in a Mac
Windows does not ask chuk norris a password, chuck norris ask Windows for a password
chuck norris doesnt need to use endif
For all those of you who like SCRUM:
All projects become Agile when Chuck Norris is looking.
Chuck Norris has the shortest scrum meetings in town.
There is only one person standing in a Chuck Norris scrum meeting.
Stand-up meetings never work for Chuck Norris. Would you like to stand up to him?
Chuck Norris never has a Backlog. It flies in stark terror when he starts telling Stories.
Chuck Norris considers Sprints futile. He’ll catch you anyway!
Chuck Norris doesn’t need a Sprint to hit his targets.
It is not necessary to isolate Chuck Norris during a Sprint. No-one can keep up with him anyway.
Product Owners never ask Chuck Norris for more features. They ask for mercy.
Product Owners never argue with Chuck Norris after he demonstrates the DropKick feature.
Just before you get the Blue Screen Of Death in windows you get a picture of Chuck Norris for a microsecond. This is called the Blue Screen Of Chuck and means that Chuck got to your computer before Gates’ abomination did. This also proves that not even death is faster than Chuck.
Gary Kasparov couldn’t defeat Deep Blue in a chess game, Chuck stared at it for .01 second and the message I concede came up followed by a plea not to be roundhouse kicked. He roundhouse kicked it anyway.
You can put the words “Chuck Norris” at the end of any line of code in any programming language in the world. Chuck can terminate anything he chooses not just lines of code.
Chuck once wrote a statement on the console and pressed enter. Then flew into a rage and roundhouse kicked the computer growling, how dare you execute that line, I wasn’t done with it yet.
You don’t need to mess with voltages and stuff to overclock a machine, you just show it a picture of Chuck Norris and the machine will overclock itself out of sheer fright.
Chuck has a programming language all for himself, it is punctuated by punches and terminated by the Roundhouse kick.